Knowing this and creating are two very different entities, and I’m struggling with stability in almost every aspect of my life. I see my therapist twice a week and work part time, and at the moment am even a part time mom (due to my lack of stability and needing a new place to live.) To put it lightly my life has been nothing but chaos since I made the choice to leave an unhealthy relationship in order to get my life back. This choice was not easy and not a day passes that it is easy. Ive had to uproot my life an hour south of where I was living, I had no money and nowhere to go. I had little to no support from family and friends and am grateful that my treatment team was and is still here to support me through these major changes.
It was sort of a snowball effect. One choice led to another and so on, and while they were scary to make and I felt so alone while making them…here I still sit today working towards getting a place of my own and getting my own life. One free of someone else’s agenda’s. A life that matches my values and with goals that I want to accomplish. Having said all of this, being in complete chaos mode most of the time makes all of these choices I made to better myself all the more challenging. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 21 and D.I.D when I was 26, along with depression,PTSD,Major Anxiety Disorder and slew of other mental illnesses. Recovery is of course at the top of the list important and on days (which most of them are) when everything is so chaotic I find myself losing time, over exercising, skipping meals, skipping support groups and wanting to give up on it all quite frankly.
I had to leave work early today and I am hoping this doesn’t leave my job in jeopardy. I had to leave after an about hour or longer of having double and blurry vision so bad that I was nervous something terrible was wrong, and having little to go on and busy work day ahead of me without my vision writing became impossible I could barely read the computer screen to get dates and times I needed for paperwork. I felt extremely useless and my issue was having no one to cover for me. Eventually the Dr. I work for seemingly annoyed checked my eyes out and I have good vision, never have I ever experienced this type of problem. He took a quick look and then more annoyed said, ” I don’t know, I have a busy wok schedule, I’ll have someone else come in go to the hospital or Dr. or something.” Me leaving before the person showed up was hard because I knew I was making his job all the more harder when I need the job and the money that flows with it.
Come to find out it was the meds that my psych had slightly changed and I was having a bad reaction. I didn’t put the two and two together until I got home and laid down for awhile closed my eyes and started to feel much better. Then I was livid, I can’t lose my job I thought. I started feeling that looming doom, like I already lost the job so why not burn down the rest of my life with it…and I am still fighting this. I decided to write about this because stability is so important for everyone and especially those who suffer from mental illness and I am lost trying to create it while I feel like it’s an impossible feat.
Feeling defeated, lost,confused,anxious and depressed……