We still got a lot shit to learn..//click me//
Knowing this and creating are two very different entities, and I’m struggling with stability in almost every aspect of my life. I see my therapist twice a week and work part time, and at the moment am even a part time mom (due to my lack of stability and needing a new place to live.) To put it lightly my life has been nothing but chaos since I made the choice to leave an unhealthy relationship in order to get my life back. This choice was not easy and not a day passes that it is easy. Ive had to uproot my life an hour south of where I was living, I had no money and nowhere to go. I had little to no support from family and friends and am grateful that my treatment team was and is still here to support me through these major changes.
It was sort of a snowball effect. One choice led to another and so on, and while they were scary to make and I felt so alone while making them…here I still sit today working towards getting a place of my own and getting my own life. One free of someone else’s agenda’s. A life that matches my values and with goals that I want to accomplish. Having said all of this, being in complete chaos mode most of the time makes all of these choices I made to better myself all the more challenging. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 21 and D.I.D when I was 26, along with depression,PTSD,Major Anxiety Disorder and slew of other mental illnesses. Recovery is of course at the top of the list important and on days (which most of them are) when everything is so chaotic I find myself losing time, over exercising, skipping meals, skipping support groups and wanting to give up on it all quite frankly.
I had to leave work early today and I am hoping this doesn’t leave my job in jeopardy. I had to leave after an about hour or longer of having double and blurry vision so bad that I was nervous something terrible was wrong, and having little to go on and busy work day ahead of me without my vision writing became impossible I could barely read the computer screen to get dates and times I needed for paperwork. I felt extremely useless and my issue was having no one to cover for me. Eventually the Dr. I work for seemingly annoyed checked my eyes out and I have good vision, never have I ever experienced this type of problem. He took a quick look and then more annoyed said, ” I don’t know, I have a busy wok schedule, I’ll have someone else come in go to the hospital or Dr. or something.” Me leaving before the person showed up was hard because I knew I was making his job all the more harder when I need the job and the money that flows with it.
Come to find out it was the meds that my psych had slightly changed and I was having a bad reaction. I didn’t put the two and two together until I got home and laid down for awhile closed my eyes and started to feel much better. Then I was livid, I can’t lose my job I thought. I started feeling that looming doom, like I already lost the job so why not burn down the rest of my life with it…and I am still fighting this. I decided to write about this because stability is so important for everyone and especially those who suffer from mental illness and I am lost trying to create it while I feel like it’s an impossible feat.
Feeling defeated, lost,confused,anxious and depressed……
who do you run to when the world beneath is gone//click me
I’ve been struggling with what exactly to do with this blog, you see I love writing and here I have this platform and I struggle to get myself in front of this screen and write. I don’t understand the struggle because I do enjoy writing and it’s been helpful for me in so many ways. Life has been something else lately, and when I say that I’m not sure how to even explain it..my life right now that is. I’m hanging on by a thread most days and the ones I’m not I am so very grateful for, yet they are far and few between. They don’t happen enough. When I say they don’t happen enough I mean, I struggle with some mental disorders and on days where darkness is all I can see, the last thing I find myself lately is writing about it. This is a problem because I desperately need writing. I’m not always fluid and sometimes my mind goes down strange rabbit holes and maybe I’m scared to write these things out and put them out there because it’s vulnerable. It’s taken me years to realize that while has certain been almost impossible for me to be vulnerability has also allowed so much growth on this journey. My life being the journey and whoever is reading this can maybe relate or maybe they can’t and that’s okay, because I’m going to be okay, and I think I might go in a few different directions with this blog and I hope it becomes something that flourishes even in the midst of the chaos that surround me.
If you’re struggling with anything remember you’re not alone, and you’re worth more than whatever messages torment your mind. Hang on. Maybe we can hang on together..
all I have to give is written in these words, will they be heard, will they be heard?
I feel like a puppet these days and I’m not entirely sure how many different people are holding the strings. It’s quite confusing having a disorder that makes one feel in complete control, all the while losing more and more of it as the days pass by. It’s the 4th of July and my head is spinning about what I have to do tomorrow. Enjoying the present has been an unattainable feat. I know these struggles all too well, yet here I sit lost in the depths of my eating disorder yet again. Engulfed in a web of lies, I reach out for help only to realize I don’t know how to let anyone help me.
the human soul is a treacherous place (Click me&listen close)
I must have gazed at the moon for hours before the sun had even begun to make it’s way to the sleepy eyes soon to wake upon it’s arrival. I thought it strange how clearly I could see the moon as I may there on my towel at the beach. I’ve been chasing the sun these days.
somehow I ended up here, steps that I can’t retrace.
I wish we were telling a story of the caretaker is us stepping in to save the day, or at even just the moment. Unfortunately that is not the story here. Today I’ve avoided all the stressors in my life and catered to everyone in the house who needed rides places. We felt good about helping out, we really did. It’s just now we feel depleted and depressed yet still. Why can’t we find colors in the world anymore, it’s sad, and it’s painful in a way I couldn’t make sense of enough myself to try and describe. Everything is just so dark, a flashlight couldn’t even cut through the darkness that surrounds us these days. Where do you go when you can’t see in front of you or behind you? What do you look for if light is incapable of breaking through to help guide you, a beacon of some sort to shine long enough to guide you in any one direction only long enough for it to be complete darkness again. Leaving you lost and surround by darkness thicker than before.
D A I L Y//R O U T I N E// click me.
Anxiety cuts through us like the breaking of a branch on a windy day. We feel defeated, and try our best to look for the good in each and every day, yet we fall short; again and again we beat ourselves up because we don’t feel happy or good or even human. We feel lost and the more we search for whatever it is we are searching for we are growing ever so tired. We don’t find happiness as easy or easy at all; actually quite the opposite. we find it extremely challenging and almost forced. We can’t shake the feelings of doom that linger around every corner. Our smiles’ our armor protecting our continually breaking heart. Behind our laughter is a soul that feels continually crushed and worn down. We build these walls when we feel like no one can be trusted. Things feel unstable and anxiety and depression begin to run the show, it doesn’t matter what plans are made or where we are and what may be expected of us in those moments. Our world plagued by darkness, blocking color in anything and everything.
Not being able to experience anything outside ourselves is scary, in ways we couldn’t even being to describe. We just keep trying to breathe, and the link above to the song has been something, not colorful. But something…which is better than nothing, I guess. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know about so many things anymore. Life being the most prevalent struggle in our mind.
The struggle has never been more real.
J U S T. B R E A T H E.
Throwing those expectations out the fucking window….
We found ourselves amidst followers of that big thick book other countries kill each other over. Haven’t been to church in almost 6 years. Not really anyway, not like I used to bed involved, back when I became so involved barely hanging onto life I clung to the church and I even became a youth leader. I felt good and then it faded and oppression is what I was told keeps me from the church. Anyway, there we sat at some random house in Boynton Beach, FL talking about the Bible, the last place I would expect myself to be; funny thing about expectations, they rarely are what we had planned in our minds. So tonight they went out the window as I sat in fellowship with strangers. we had no expectations but we could feel the oppression and man that was rough.
Really rough. Ready to rest.