I wish we were telling a story of the caretaker is us stepping in to save the day, or at even just the moment. Unfortunately that is not the story here. Today I’ve avoided all the stressors in my life and catered to everyone in the house who needed rides places. We felt good about helping out, we really did. It’s just now we feel depleted and depressed yet still. Why can’t we find colors in the world anymore, it’s sad, and it’s painful in a way I couldn’t make sense of enough myself to try and describe. Everything is just so dark, a flashlight couldn’t even cut through the darkness that surrounds us these days. Where do you go when you can’t see in front of you or behind you? What do you look for if light is incapable of breaking through to help guide you, a beacon of some sort to shine long enough to guide you in any one direction only long enough for it to be complete darkness again. Leaving you lost and surround by darkness thicker than before.
Anxiety cuts through us like the breaking of a branch on a windy day. We feel defeated, and try our best to look for the good in each and every day, yet we fall short; again and again we beat ourselves up because we don’t feel happy or good or even human. We feel lost and the more we search for whatever it is we are searching for we are growing ever so tired. We don’t find happiness as easy or easy at all; actually quite the opposite. we find it extremely challenging and almost forced. We can’t shake the feelings of doom that linger around every corner. Our smiles’ our armor protecting our continually breaking heart. Behind our laughter is a soul that feels continually crushed and worn down. We build these walls when we feel like no one can be trusted. Things feel unstable and anxiety and depression begin to run the show, it doesn’t matter what plans are made or where we are and what may be expected of us in those moments. Our world plagued by darkness, blocking color in anything and everything.
Not being able to experience anything outside ourselves is scary, in ways we couldn’t even being to describe. We just keep trying to breathe, and the link above to the song has been something, not colorful. But something…which is better than nothing, I guess. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know about so many things anymore. Life being the most prevalent struggle in our mind.
Throwing those expectations out the fucking window….
We found ourselves amidst followers of that big thick book other countries kill each other over. Haven’t been to church in almost 6 years. Not really anyway, not like I used to bed involved, back when I became so involved barely hanging onto life I clung to the church and I even became a youth leader. I felt good and then it faded and oppression is what I was told keeps me from the church. Anyway, there we sat at some random house in Boynton Beach, FL talking about the Bible, the last place I would expect myself to be; funny thing about expectations, they rarely are what we had planned in our minds. So tonight they went out the window as I sat in fellowship with strangers. we had no expectations but we could feel the oppression and man that was rough.
It’s imperative that I learned how to build a life on my own, separate from any one person. The same way a person breaks in order to find themselves whole again. The same way one might appreciate the light a little more after stumbling lost through the darkness of the night. I sometimes regret that it takes a life to live. If I could go back with the knowledge I have now…how different things would be. We can’t linger there too long, its dangerous. We have to continue to focus on moving forward. At all times, or else we might lose sight. We can’t lose sight of what’s ahead. We are so unsure of what lies ahead and so uncomfortable in what is presently happening that it makes life an overwhelming mess of emotions all the time. It’s quite an unpleasant mix.
My heart beats violently in my chest, like a wild animal that’s been caged. I can’t move, as I stare into the distance, not seeing anything, but thinking everything. My mind is a tornado, fierce and fearless. Wrecking everything in its path. It leaves nothing but brokenness and despair behind. I want to scream, kick, cry out, someone help me! My lips stay closed and soundless, and my legs motionless. I stare. Lost in a world deep inside myself, I stare.
Debris quickly piles up. The remains of many compartments in our mind. Imagine piles scattered all around containing fragments of information. All displaced and in the open, unconfined. Sounds, that make us cringe while scanning around us in panic. Images, lay strewn and torn, we stare. Memories play in each pile on tv’s, daunting images flash across the screen. We stand there alone tears streaming down our face. Keep breathing, we will figure this out. Try not to panic, our eyes peeled back as we take in the damages. Mouth agape, we stare. Unwanted sounds and new images rearing their ugly head. Reminding, repeating, and refreshing our brain.
Our legs buckle as we stand in shock, staring. After what seems like days standing amidst all the chaos. Our legs give out, we fall almost as if we were suddenly in slow motion, wondering what was happening and having no one around to ask. Smack, our head hits the ground as we curl into a ball holding our legs as close as possible to our chest.